I have strayed away from sharing my fertility journey because I have felt like that was a level of vulnerability I wasn’t quite ready to share with the world or my 900k followers – BUT, as I have shared tidbits here and there, I have experienced healing. Sharing my experience has allowed me to walk with others in their own journeys in a sweet, intimate way, and I feel like it gives even more meaning to the losses I have walked through.
In honor of my two precious heavenly babies, I want to share the good and bad of my fertility journey with you.
My Cycles and Birth Control
For a true fertility story, we need to go back up. I started my cycle a little later than most, but had what I would call a “normal cycle” for about six months- that is, until I started struggling with horrible acne, and the go-to remedy for this at the time was to be prescribed birth control. On birth control, I had normal cycles (purely from the medication), and I was on birth control for over 7 years. I truly wish teenage girls were given more education, insight, and knowledge on the benefits and cons of birth control other than “it will get rid of your acne”, but I digress.
After getting off birth control, I never had normal cycles. I would go months at a time without a period, and when I was in my 20s, I went to an OBGYN to find out if something was wrong with me. The OBGYN asked if I wanted children, and I said “yes,” and she said Okay, I don’t see anything wrong with your labs, so just come back when you want to get pregnant, and we can look more into it at that time. Looking back, I am a little floored with how strange of a response that was, but I truly trusted the doctors to know better than me, so I went with it.
Our First Pregnancy with Sullivan
Flash forward to a year into Chris and I’s marriage, we wanted to try for a baby. I knew nothing about cycles, hormones, etc., and since I wasn’t having a regular cycle, we just decided not to prevent and see what happens. Through God’s provision and our shock, we got pregnant the first month we stopped preventing. As I look back, I realize how crazy it was that I had no idea when I was ovulating, but I was able to get pregnant that easily; it truly was a God thing. As with a first pregnancy, you are joyful and excited without the fear of “what-ifs.”
Shortly after finding out we were pregnant with Sullivan, I started experiencing intense bleeding. Bleeding where I would be passing clots and gushing blood, not a simple spotting here and there.
We of course thought I was miscarrying and sought out medical support. We were referred to maternal fetal medicine, where we found out that I had a bicornuate uterus and a subchorionic hematoma. I was prescribed progesterone supplements and told to be on modified bed rest for the best chances of a continued pregnancy.
The most stressful days of my life have been during my pregnancy. Never knowing if the baby is doing okay or not, never knowing when I will bleed again, constant doctor appointments with no real solution, just hoping and praying that the baby is strong and will make it.
Around week 14 of pregnancy, we stopped having bleeding episodes, and the subchorionic hematoma resolved. I was shaken to my core, and I remember walking on eggshells my entire pregnancy. We had a healthy baby boy in January of 2019. Praise God.
Trying For Baby #2 (Our First Loss)
A year after Sully was born, we decided we wanted to try again. I was still breastfeeding and my period had not returned, but we decided not to prevent and see what happened, like we did before. We tried for a year with no luck, so I decided to cut back on nursing to see if I would have my cycle return. I gently started weaning Sullivan from nursing (read more about our weaning journeys here), and after a month or two of significantly cutting back on nursing, we found out we were pregnant again!
Please keep in mind that I had not had a period since pre-pregnancy with Sullivan, so we were blindly guessing on ovulation and timing. We were overjoyed after trying for over a year, and we were very hopeful that this pregnancy would be smoother than our pregnancy with Sullivan.
After finding out about our second pregnancy, I continued to nurse Sullivan around two times a day. Many studies and guidelines state that breastfeeding during pregnancy is considered safe as long as you are not having a high-risk pregnancy. It is recommended to discuss with your OBGYN about your specific pregnancy to determine if weaning is needed or not. At this point in time, I did not feel like I needed to wean from breastfeeding.
“While breastfeeding during pregnancy is generally considered safe, there are some cases where weaning may be advisable:
- If you have a high-risk pregnancy or are at risk for preterm labor
- If you are carrying twins
- If you have been advised to avoid sex while pregnant
- If you are having bleeding or uterine pain”
More information on breastfeeding during pregnancy can be found here: https://americanpregnancy.org/healthy-pregnancy/breastfeeding/breastfeeding-while-pregnant/
A few weeks after finding out we were pregnant with baby number #2, I started bleeding. I was disappointed and confused about why we would have to walk through another stressful pregnancy. I was hopeful that everything would work out as it had with Sullivan, but still very reserved. I didn’t notice any significant differences in symptoms or bleeding volume between the two pregnancies. We went in to assess the pregnancy with my OBGYN, and we confirmed the baby was doing well via ultrasound and HCG levels were rising. We were once again given the diagnosis of “possible spontaneous abortion” and “subchorionic hematoma” with advice to “wait and see.” We were asked to be put back on oral progesterone, which my doctor obliged.
A few days later, bleeding picked up, and we were told that we had lost the baby via ultrasound. I was scheduled for a D&C that day due to the large amount of blood I was passing at a consistent rate. Unfortunately, I didn’t know at the time to advocate for fetal testing to determine if we could find a cause of miscarriage, like a genetic abnormality, so we were left with an “I don’t know why this happened, but it was probably related to the SCH and your bicornuate uterus.”
Pregnancy After Miscarriage with Hayes
We were told we could try again for another baby as soon as we were ready to, and that there was no harm in getting pregnant immediately after a loss. I was around 7-8 weeks when we lost this baby.
While grieving the loss of this baby, I was frantic to become pregnant again. I so wanted another baby, and I think I thought another pregnancy would help heal my aching heart, so we tried immediately as soon as I had my first cycle. I had read that you are more fertile after a D&C so we were wanting to optimize our chances, and sure enough, we got pregnant with baby Hayes two months after our first loss. We were ecstatic that it had happened so quickly, but then immediately scared for what was to come.
After you experience a miscarriage, all your subsequent pregnancies are filled with much fear and apprehension. I was praying so hard for a redemptive pregnancy experience, but that was not the case. Around week 6-7 of Hayes’ pregnancy, I began to bleed again. This bleeding was much more intense than previous pregnancies, to the point where I was passing golf-ball-sized clots multiple times a day.
We had many emergency room visits, and at this point, we were being seen by a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RD) to help with the prevention of future miscarriages. I was diagnosed once again with a subchorionic hematoma and possible spontaneous abortion. My RE MD prescribed me IM progesterone injections since the vaginal progesterone was inefficient due to my continuous bleeding. I know there is no way to know for sure what helped Hayes’ pregnancy be a success, but I feel deep in my bones that the progesterone injections helped immensely.
We were monitored every week or more, depending on how much blood I was losing, and at every single ultrasound, Hayes was hanging on with a great heart rate. My labs were great and rising as they were supposed to, but I was still walking on pins and needles. I was put back on modified bed rest and barely did anything for fear of causing myself more bleeding. After 13-14 weeks of bleeding, I just stopped bleeding – who knows why. We continued with the progesterone injections for a few more weeks, graduated from the RE Clinic, and went on to have a healthy remainder of our pregnancy. We welcomed Hayes into the world in March of 2022. A perfectly healthy and chunky baby boy!
Trying After Hayes (Our Second Loss)
Through the trauma of our previous pregnancies, we truly did not know if we wanted to try for another baby or not. But around Hayes’ 1-year birthday, I realized that I would like to try again, and if it was in God’s will, we would have another baby. I did not want to stop nursing to get pregnant this time. If Hayes was to be my last baby, and we wouldn’t be able to get pregnant again, I wanted to nurse him as long as I could.
Around Hayes’ 2nd birthday, we found out we were pregnant. Once again, due to nursing, I had not had my cycle return, and we were just not preventing a pregnancy, again. I was being mindful of my diet and taking a few supplements here and there to help get pregnant, but without a period, I truly didn’t know if I was even fertile at the time. I was probably in the best shape of my life (other than when I was a competitive swimmer) so I had HIGH hopes that this was the pregnancy that was going to redeem all my previous pregnancies. I did not have any bleeding from weeks 4-7 of my pregnancy. But after a workout one day, I came home and started having sharp shooting pains down my back, and a few minutes later, I started bleeding and passing large clots.
This was the fastest and quickest miscarriage. We went to the E.R. and I was diagnosed with the same things again, but our baby was still doing well despite the bleeding. We saw my MD two days later, and our baby was still okay. We asked to be put on IM progesterone again, but were denied – the MD said there was not enough research to support it being any better than oral or vaginal progesterone. A day after that appointment, the bleeding and passing clots increased to where I was going through Maxi pads 5x in an hour, and I knew this was not okay. We went in to see the doctor again and confirmed that the baby no longer had a heartbeat.
We were scheduled for a D&C that day for our second pregnancy loss. After this second loss, we did go on to get in-depth and extensive testing to help determine if there were any underlying causes for my recurrent miscarriages. I will write up another blog on all the things we advocated to get tested for in case it can help prevent a loss for someone else.
We once again did not get the option for fetal testing to determine genetic abnormalities, so we will never know if there was a chromosomal abnormality that possibly caused the loss. We have both been tested for genetic concerns, and neither of us has had any markers, but you never know. As of right now, the doctors believe my losses are related to the shape of my uterus, which in turn increases my risk for SCH.
My Journey
I end this story on a low note, but we have peace with our precious family, and we are grateful for two healthy babies. My two babies in heaven will also hold a special place in my heart, and they will never be forgotten. They have helped me minister to other moms and show them the Lord’s faithfulness even in the darkest valleys. I have also learned how to advocate for appropriate care, and I have gained so much knowledge on hormones and optimal fertility, as well as pregnancy nutrition, that I can share with others walking through this.
If you take anything away from this blog, let it be this – it was not your fault. Your loss was not caused by something you did, and it didn’t happen because you are not a good mom or you weren’t meant to be a mom. We may never know the “why” behind our losses, but there is a purpose in everything. Hold on tight, we will meet those angel babies one day.
If you have walked through a miscarriage, I highly recommend these resources below:
Held: 31 Biblical Reflections on God’s Comfort and Care in the Sorrow of Miscarriage (link here: https://a.co/d/fQ5ubhd )
Loved Baby: 31 Devotions Helping You Grieve and Cherish Your Child after Pregnancy Loss (link here: https://amzn.to/4j9veQE ).
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Cinthia Scott is a Registered Dietitian (RD) and International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) with over 7 years experience in the field of dietetics. Cinthia focuses on ensuring optimal nutrition in the first 1000 days of life to ensure optimal growth and development as well as set the stage for long-term health. Cindy is an author, starting solids expert, and advocate for caregivers receiving evidence based education and support surrounding breastfeeding and starting solids.
Cinthia is co-author of the 101beforeone Starting Solids Book, “101beforeone -baby-led feeding cookbook,” and is the founder and owner of The Baby Dietitian LLC which is her private practice built to provide virtual 1:1 services for caregivers surrounding infant nutrition, toddler nutrition, and breastfeeding support. Cinthia is also the creator of the Starting Solids 101 Program which provides caregivers 1:1 support from a Pediatric Dietitian on how to provide optimal nutrition from the start and create healthy eating habits that will last their whole lifetime. To work with Cinthia, you can access her services here.
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